Depression with RA

I try really hard to keep my spirits high but Depression keeps rearing it's ugly head!!

I want things to be the way they used to be. I had a job, I socialized, I had friends ... I had a life!! Now it takes everything I have just to take a shower and then get out and about.

People keep telling me not to give up Hope ... how do I do that knowing there is no cure, that it's lifelong, progressive and, last but not least, very painful?!? I try to put on a strong face and enjoy each moment that I can, but deep inside I feel alone, cheated and just plain sad. I know I'm not alone in this, there are others out there like me.

I haven't worked in almost 2 years and will never work again. How do you move on with that kind of reality? I don't feel like I have any real purpose in life anymore. Someone suggested I go back to school. Maybe I could take online classes ... if I had the money. I know there is no way I could maneuver around a campus much less try to carry heavy textbooks around!! And what exactly would I major in?? I've tried to think of possible career choices I could do, but honestly, the fatigue and pain hinder my options. It tires me trying to do a load of laundry, to sit at the computer for too long or to cook an easy meal.

I just find it very hard to be or stay positive ... my only hope now is that the meds I'm on will slow the progression of my RA. There is no undoing the damage and erosion that is already done. There is no going back ... I try to look forward, but to what? What do I have to look forward to? Yes, I have a wonderful Husband and I look forward to the eventual time it will be just us. Yes, I have wonderful kids and I look forward to watching them continue to grow as people. Yes, I have a wonderful grandchild and I look forward to watching him grow and hopefully future grandbabies as well. But for me personally, what do I really have to look forward to? No new exciting career moves for me. No more dancing the night away. No more long walks ... maybe short spurts.

I just feel such loss because of this RA. I'm angry this has happened to me!!! I've gone from being on the go all the time to dreading having to go anywhere. I get so tired and end up hurting for days if I try to do too much. Going to the store is a challenge, even getting to use the motorized scooters they have available. I can't make any plans too far in advance because I just don't know how I'm going to feel. I don't like to cancel or break promises!!

I get really tired of the stares I get when I'm parking in the disabled spot or using the motorized scooters at the store. I know on the outside I look young and possibly able bodied ... but my Immune system is wreaking havoc on my body and I hurt all over!! I don't like when people try to compare their aches and pains to mine. I don't claim to know how you feel ... please don't assume you know how I feel!! There isn't a joint in my body that doesn't ache at one time or another!!! On my worst days I ache in EVERY joint in my body!!! I'm sorry if I'm coming across hatefully ... but when you hurt all the time it's hard to be chipper!!!

Please forgive me, I don't mean to be such a downer, I just need to get this off my chest ... I am depressed and need to admit that. My life isn't what it was and now it won't be what I wanted it to be ... not completely. I wanted to keep working. I wanted to take long walks at the park or the beach. I wanted to dance and party with my hubby and friends. I wanted a different life than what I have been dealt.

I will continue to try and cherish those "I'm glad I got to experience that" moments and hope I am able to have many. I will try to keep my head up and ignore those 'stares' and whispers. I will try to do what I can when I can. I will try to fight off this depression. I will try to accept what is and learn to adapt ... I have to admit though that it is tough. Some days I feel I have accepted it then, out of the blue, I just need to cry and mourn the loss of what was ...