Well, it has been brought to my attention that the majority of my blogging has been so full of negativity. I have to admit that I have done my blogging at some of my darkest and most depressive states of mind. I do this to help get it off my chest so that it doesn't boil up into something darker than what it already is.
I want everyone to know that not all my days are dark and sad like that. I do actually have a great life full of joy, love and support. Those of you who know me really well know that I am a fighter. I refuse to let RA beat my spirit down and steal the joy and great moments from me!!
I have decided to blog both when I'm happy and also when I'm down. There are two sides to every story, including the story of my life Living with RA. Yes, there are those days when the pain and fatigue are overwhelming and, quite frankly, I am angry and depressed about it. But there are also those days when the tiniest and most simple things just fill my heart with the greatest joy!!
Learning to accept this disease and what it is doing to my body has been one of the greatest challenges I think I have ever had to face. On that note though, accepting it does not mean giving in to it!! I have every intention of fighting back with everything I have in me!! I have goals in life that I have yet to achieve ... I just have realized it will take a little longer and maybe even some ingenious creativity on my end to achieve them.
I still want to further my education. I think I might go into photography!! I don't really know if I can turn that into a career or not ... but I know I love it and can have fun and get a lot of joy out of taking pictures!! That is all that really matters in the long run ... what I can find to do that can help me feel productive and happy!!
I still want to travel ... that is going to be more of a financial goal to help me achieve that one ... time to start saving my extra pennies!!! I want to go on a cruise through the Caribbean hitting all those tiny little islands. I want to go to Rio!!! I want to go to Germany and visit all the castles there!!! Yep!! I really better get serious about saving all those extra pennies, nickels and dimes!!!
I want to be as active as I can be in my youngest daughters activities and with my grand baby as well!! I want them to know that I am one tough bird who has a passion for life!! I want them to see and learn from my 'I CAN' attitude!! Even on my worst days I want to interact with them with a gleam in my eye, a smile on my face and show them that life is wonderful!!!
Yes, life can and will throw you some curve balls ... it's in how you strike back at it that counts!! You can either cringe and let it hit you hard or you can come out swinging and hit it hard!! I choose to come out swinging and hitting it hard into the bleachers (giving me enough time to hobble through all the bases until I come back around to home plate)!!!
My point is this ... I refuse to let RA victimize me and only show the negative side!! I do still have a life, even through all the pain. I might not get around as well as I use to, my body might be changing but my spirit, my very essence is still the same!! I am a fighter, a survivor and a great person who loves life, fun, love and happiness!!
{Pain Free Hugs} ~ K
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Depression with RA
I try really hard to keep my spirits high but Depression keeps rearing it's ugly head!!
I want things to be the way they used to be. I had a job, I socialized, I had friends ... I had a life!! Now it takes everything I have just to take a shower and then get out and about.
People keep telling me not to give up Hope ... how do I do that knowing there is no cure, that it's lifelong, progressive and, last but not least, very painful?!? I try to put on a strong face and enjoy each moment that I can, but deep inside I feel alone, cheated and just plain sad. I know I'm not alone in this, there are others out there like me.
I haven't worked in almost 2 years and will never work again. How do you move on with that kind of reality? I don't feel like I have any real purpose in life anymore. Someone suggested I go back to school. Maybe I could take online classes ... if I had the money. I know there is no way I could maneuver around a campus much less try to carry heavy textbooks around!! And what exactly would I major in?? I've tried to think of possible career choices I could do, but honestly, the fatigue and pain hinder my options. It tires me trying to do a load of laundry, to sit at the computer for too long or to cook an easy meal.
I just find it very hard to be or stay positive ... my only hope now is that the meds I'm on will slow the progression of my RA. There is no undoing the damage and erosion that is already done. There is no going back ... I try to look forward, but to what? What do I have to look forward to? Yes, I have a wonderful Husband and I look forward to the eventual time it will be just us. Yes, I have wonderful kids and I look forward to watching them continue to grow as people. Yes, I have a wonderful grandchild and I look forward to watching him grow and hopefully future grandbabies as well. But for me personally, what do I really have to look forward to? No new exciting career moves for me. No more dancing the night away. No more long walks ... maybe short spurts.
I just feel such loss because of this RA. I'm angry this has happened to me!!! I've gone from being on the go all the time to dreading having to go anywhere. I get so tired and end up hurting for days if I try to do too much. Going to the store is a challenge, even getting to use the motorized scooters they have available. I can't make any plans too far in advance because I just don't know how I'm going to feel. I don't like to cancel or break promises!!
I get really tired of the stares I get when I'm parking in the disabled spot or using the motorized scooters at the store. I know on the outside I look young and possibly able bodied ... but my Immune system is wreaking havoc on my body and I hurt all over!! I don't like when people try to compare their aches and pains to mine. I don't claim to know how you feel ... please don't assume you know how I feel!! There isn't a joint in my body that doesn't ache at one time or another!!! On my worst days I ache in EVERY joint in my body!!! I'm sorry if I'm coming across hatefully ... but when you hurt all the time it's hard to be chipper!!!
Please forgive me, I don't mean to be such a downer, I just need to get this off my chest ... I am depressed and need to admit that. My life isn't what it was and now it won't be what I wanted it to be ... not completely. I wanted to keep working. I wanted to take long walks at the park or the beach. I wanted to dance and party with my hubby and friends. I wanted a different life than what I have been dealt.
I will continue to try and cherish those "I'm glad I got to experience that" moments and hope I am able to have many. I will try to keep my head up and ignore those 'stares' and whispers. I will try to do what I can when I can. I will try to fight off this depression. I will try to accept what is and learn to adapt ... I have to admit though that it is tough. Some days I feel I have accepted it then, out of the blue, I just need to cry and mourn the loss of what was ...
I want things to be the way they used to be. I had a job, I socialized, I had friends ... I had a life!! Now it takes everything I have just to take a shower and then get out and about.
People keep telling me not to give up Hope ... how do I do that knowing there is no cure, that it's lifelong, progressive and, last but not least, very painful?!? I try to put on a strong face and enjoy each moment that I can, but deep inside I feel alone, cheated and just plain sad. I know I'm not alone in this, there are others out there like me.
I haven't worked in almost 2 years and will never work again. How do you move on with that kind of reality? I don't feel like I have any real purpose in life anymore. Someone suggested I go back to school. Maybe I could take online classes ... if I had the money. I know there is no way I could maneuver around a campus much less try to carry heavy textbooks around!! And what exactly would I major in?? I've tried to think of possible career choices I could do, but honestly, the fatigue and pain hinder my options. It tires me trying to do a load of laundry, to sit at the computer for too long or to cook an easy meal.
I just find it very hard to be or stay positive ... my only hope now is that the meds I'm on will slow the progression of my RA. There is no undoing the damage and erosion that is already done. There is no going back ... I try to look forward, but to what? What do I have to look forward to? Yes, I have a wonderful Husband and I look forward to the eventual time it will be just us. Yes, I have wonderful kids and I look forward to watching them continue to grow as people. Yes, I have a wonderful grandchild and I look forward to watching him grow and hopefully future grandbabies as well. But for me personally, what do I really have to look forward to? No new exciting career moves for me. No more dancing the night away. No more long walks ... maybe short spurts.
I just feel such loss because of this RA. I'm angry this has happened to me!!! I've gone from being on the go all the time to dreading having to go anywhere. I get so tired and end up hurting for days if I try to do too much. Going to the store is a challenge, even getting to use the motorized scooters they have available. I can't make any plans too far in advance because I just don't know how I'm going to feel. I don't like to cancel or break promises!!
I get really tired of the stares I get when I'm parking in the disabled spot or using the motorized scooters at the store. I know on the outside I look young and possibly able bodied ... but my Immune system is wreaking havoc on my body and I hurt all over!! I don't like when people try to compare their aches and pains to mine. I don't claim to know how you feel ... please don't assume you know how I feel!! There isn't a joint in my body that doesn't ache at one time or another!!! On my worst days I ache in EVERY joint in my body!!! I'm sorry if I'm coming across hatefully ... but when you hurt all the time it's hard to be chipper!!!
Please forgive me, I don't mean to be such a downer, I just need to get this off my chest ... I am depressed and need to admit that. My life isn't what it was and now it won't be what I wanted it to be ... not completely. I wanted to keep working. I wanted to take long walks at the park or the beach. I wanted to dance and party with my hubby and friends. I wanted a different life than what I have been dealt.
I will continue to try and cherish those "I'm glad I got to experience that" moments and hope I am able to have many. I will try to keep my head up and ignore those 'stares' and whispers. I will try to do what I can when I can. I will try to fight off this depression. I will try to accept what is and learn to adapt ... I have to admit though that it is tough. Some days I feel I have accepted it then, out of the blue, I just need to cry and mourn the loss of what was ...
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