Every morning when I open my eyes my first thoughts are how to maneuver myself out of bed so I can get to the bathroom!! From there I debate on which pain meds I need first and foremost, just the NSAIDS for now or should I go ahead and take that Lortab too before I regret not taking it later and whether or not it's going to be a Prednisone kind of day. It's a never ending process.
I love the movie "Freaky Friday" (either version) and often times feel that is what has had to have happened to me!! In my mind I'm still very young, vibrant, energetic and full of life. My reality, physically, is not the case ... I feel old, dull, tired and miss having a life. I want to know who the old lady is who stole my body!!! She can have this one back!!
When I look in the mirror I know it's really me and my body, but I feel like I'm trapped in this broken down shell and there is no escape!! I can see the Rheumatoid Nodules on my arms around my elbows, on my legs close to my ankles, around my knees, on my feet and my fingers too. I can see and feel the limp I walk with now and how slowly I walk too. I notice how my arms hang with a slight bend now, I can no longer straighten them out. I can honestly see these physical changes going and can most definitely feel my body breaking down. I still am having trouble accepting that this really is my reality.
Just three summers ago I was able to carry a 5 gallon bucket of paint in each hand. I was lifting and stacking those suckers 4 buckets high like they were nothing. I can't lift a single gallon of anything now. I can't grab the milk until it's almost empty and then it takes both hands. I can't unscrew the lid off the mayo jar or any other kind of jar for that matter :(
I very rarely drive these days and when I do it's down to the drug store less than a mile from my home. My shoulders lock up into excruciating pain not to mention I don't feel safe driving anymore. There just is no strength in my wrists or hands anymore. Some days I can barely pull my own pants up much less be in control of a vehicle!! I feel such a loss of freedom!!
I have adjusted my entire wardrobe to make my life simpler. I only own one pair of shoes that totally encase my feet and I just recently found those. I mostly wear my house shoes, sandals, clogs or slides. I own more skirts these days than I ever have my entire teen and adult life. It is so much easier to hike a skirt up than trying to fiddle with buttons, snaps and zippers.
I have chopped all my hair off (again) just so I can manage it. It was becoming too difficult to wash, brush and style it. I now use an electric tooth brush because I don't have the strength in my wrists and hands to really scrub my teeth. A 6 inch toilet seat riser has been a real help too ... nothing like being stuck and unable to get up without it!!
I realize now all the 'little' things I used to take for granted. Simple everyday tasks seem like major challenges most days. It is very frustrating, to say the least, when trying to brush your teeth and you can't squeeze the toothpaste or you can't turn the door knob to go outside. It's the 'little' things ...
I don't know what I did to deserve this fate in life. Maybe if I had eaten better, exercised more, partied less when I was younger, listened to my parents more ... maybe it doesn't matter what I have or haven't done. All I know is I want my old body back ... this one is broken :(
Stay strong!
ReplyDeleteI have come to realise in the short time that i have had RA that its just bad luck and that regrets should be looked away in a magic oak tree as they do just about as much good there as they do to me when i start to think what if!
Button up Maxi dresses are also a good way forward and always help me to feel like the old me.
Fairy dreams
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